By By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 20, 2018 In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle…

By Megan Parsons Feb. 20, 2018 If you’re a smart shopper, you already know why it’s important to eat organic, free-range ass without additives or artificial preservatives. Personally, I like my ass without…

By Shady Dealer Newsdesk Feb. 20, 2018 Boss Baby (AB ’97, MBA ’04) Oscar audiences around the world waited with bated breath as the winner for Best Picture was announced. Many were expecting…

By Deblina Mukherjee Feb. 20, 2018 Architectural Mockup of the New Dorm An email from Dean John “Jay” Boyer confirmed what Dealer investigators have long suspected: the University’s newest residence hall will be…

By Te Amo Feb. 20, 2018 Te Amo Boba Bar Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all, you sniveling chumps. “Ugh, Te Amo’s so expensive”; “Why do I have to pay extra for boba?”;…

By Antonia Salisbury Feb. 20, 2018 So you came here to study? Well, we all “came here to study,” kid. That doesn’t mean you can’t check out the tall glass of iced coffee…

By Nik Varley Feb. 20, 2018 At approximately 11:30 p.m., The Shady Dealer received a tip claiming that there is an enormous pile of visibly-stained David Lynch posters outside the Doc Films office…

By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 20, 2018 A Classic Hyperlink There’s something important going on in America, and we need to discuss it. I have strong opinions about this thing, as you can see…

By Jalen Jiang Feb. 20, 2018   A contingent of campus-wide emergency phones voted in favor of forming a union, with 192 of the inanimate steel posts casting ‘YES’ votes over 95 ‘NO’…

By Jacob Johnson Feb. 20, 2018 It’s been a revealing few months for celebrity worshippers out there. With a slew of scandals and abuse stories coming out, you might be wondering: who’s left…