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Waffle House Replaces Saieh Hall for Economics
By Breck Radulovic March 26, 2017 University of Chicago President Robert Zimmer announced the opening of Waffle House, a 24-hour diner chain, at 5757 S. University Ave. at a press conference on…
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Turning Point? Vanilla Ice Denounces Donald Trump!
By Ryan Fleishman March 27, 2017 President Trump and his administration have conducted a veritable campaign of fear across American politics over the first three months of his presidency. Many people and celebrities…
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José Quintana Invents Really Fastball
By Ryan Fleishman March 27, 2017 After an intense research and development period involving complex mathematics and squiggly speed lines, famed White Sox All-Star pitcher José Quintana has invented an entirely new baseball…
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Security Alert
By Eric M. Heath, Associate VP for Safety and Security Dec. 14, 2016 The University of Chicago December 14, 2016 Security Alert AAt approximately 1:35 p.m., Wednesday, December 14 – A n individual…
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Maroon.Space adds Story Feature
By Thomas Noriega April 9, 2017 DUE BY APRIL 20THMaroon.Space adds Story FeatureBy Thomas Noriega The University of Chicago’s hot new matchmaking service, Maroon.Space, has provided students with a brand-new way to meet…
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Mitch McConnell Announces No Further Bills Will Pass the Senate Until Funding for His Turtle Snacks Is Approved
By Christopher Walker April 10, 2017 Mitch McConnell announces no further bills will pass the senate until funding for his turtle snacks is approvedWASHINGTON D.C – Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell issued a…
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Answers to The Four Questions of Passover
By President Donald Trump April 13, 2017 Answers to The Four QuestionsBy Donald Trump Q: On all other nights, we eat chameitz and matzah. Why on this night, only matzah? A: First of…
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Unopposed Student Government Slate Announces Thousand-Year Reign of Blood
By Thomas Noriega April 17, 2017 Unopposed Student Government Slate Announces Thousand-Year Reign of BloodBy Thomas Noriega In an unexpected turn, only one trio of students announced their candidacy for the Executive Slate…
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Undertaker Undertakes Undertaking Undertaking
By Thomas Noriega April 17, 2017 Undertaker Undertakes Undertaking UndertakingBy Thomas Noriega April 2nd, 2017. We all saw it. We all felt it. Roman Reigns pinned The Undertaker after a grueling half-hour match.…
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Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder Behavior
By Morgan Pantuck April 17, 2017 Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder BehaviorBy Morgan Pantuck Reports indicate that local BFF Miranda Weinberg is rapidly running out of convincing reasons why your crush,…
