“You Can Run but You Can’t Hide!” Screams Chainsaw-Wielding Dean Ellison

By Thomas Noriega

May 5, 2017

A peaceful demonstration against the Trump administration ended in chaos as University Dean John “Jay” Ellison ran into the mass of protesteors wielding a Craftsman-brand chainsaw. Ellison, clad in the tannedleathern skin of several prospies, charged from the door of Rosenwald Hall while revving the chainsaw (nicknamed “Open Discourse”) as he ran towards the demonstration. The protesteors fled in every direction, but couldn’t escape Ellison’s insatiable lust for suffering. He caught up to a demonstrator wielding a “Dump Trump” sign and cleaved them in two, shouting “The University of Chicago does not endorse so-called trigger warnings!”

TBy this point, the protesteors quicklyhad spread across the quad, but many were unable to escape the Dean of Students’ murderous spree. “THERE IS NO SPACE SAFE FROM ME,” Ellison shouted to the heavens, blood spraying across his skin-suit, before racing after a group headed towards the Classics Quad.

Ellison slashed through three3 students near Bond Chapel, and began chanting “ACADEMIC FREEDOM” at the top of his lungs. It echoed across the campus, disorienting the fleeing demonstrators. The D dDean also silenced his chainsaw to avoid detection. A pair ofA couple of students attempted to escape break viafor Ellis Ave. and the hospital, but found themselves at the mercy of the waiting Ellison, who impaleding boththe pair of them on his now gore-choked blade as he declared, “I AM THE SECURITY ALERT.””.

By this point, the protesters were beyond the reach of Ellison’s rampage. “GAZE UPON MY HONEST WORKS,” Ellison bellowed to the College at large. “GAZE AND BE FEARFUL.”