World’s Largest Porn Collection Burns Down

By Walker King (391)

Jan. 24, 2014

zTragedy struck Egypt yesterday when the Library of Alexandria, the world’s largest depository of pornographic materials, was burned to the ground by Roman Emperor Lucius Aurelianus.

The library, founded by noted pornography enthusiast Ptolemy II, held the majority of the world’s erotic material for 500 years before its tragic destruction.

“The entire field of pornography is hurt by this loss,” said head librarian Kontar Rah. “The destruction of these historically vital and highly arousing works will set the field of erotica back hundreds of years.”

Among the pieces lost in the great fire includes the text of Aristotle’s Erotica, the complete slash fictions of Sappho, and all but a few of Emperor Augustus’ 3,000 pornographic doodles, many of which were self-portraits.

“I remember how much fun I used to have going down to the stacks to read Sophocles’ deleted scenes from Antigone, in which Antigone convinces Ismene to join her conspiracy against Creon with tender, passionate love, the kind only two women can share,” said Rah. “So hot,” he added.

While Alexandrian officials were worried about Emperor Aurelianus’ ambitions toward the pornographic materials stored in the library, none could have anticipated his true intentions.

Witnesses say the Emperor and 300 centurions gained entrance to the library yesterday afternoonunder the pretext of a group reading of Plutarch’s Parallel Thighs, whereupon they began lighting stacks of papyrus on fire and destroying tablets.

“There can be no question that the library perpetuated the most amoral behavior in its collection of obscene materials, and thus it was my duty to Rome to burn down that house of licentiousness,” said Emperor Aurelianus in a statement. “There is only one ethical mode of intercourse, and that is between 30 to 40 well-oiled, consenting adults.”

While most librarians, faced with the ashes of their life’s work, could only express dumb astonishment, Rah was more optimistic.

“We will build another pornographic library, and if that one burns down, another one.” He said. “Wherever there are people, there will be a need for explicit depictions of copulation. This is what it means to be human.”