Why I Chose Not to Have a Headclaw Installed on My Child

By Editorial Bored

Feb. 1, 2015

I’m a mother, and as a mother, I get the final say about anything related to my baby. I also get to opine about anything related to other people’s babies, using my hard-earned mom expertise. So when I heard all my friends talking about scheduling operations to affix a sharp, curved, and pincer-like claw in the center of their children’s foreheads, I knew I had to say something.

As a good mother, I’ve consulted several medical professionals to help my son get a head start in life. Under my watchful eye, he’s growing up healthy and strong, thanks to weekly hypnosis, daily leeches, and inoculations of arsenic for healthy skin. But a head-claw? My gut tells me this is just a trend, like the polio vaccine.

Some of the other moms have turned on me, calling me “irresponsible,” “a danger to future generations,” and “unfashionable.” But I just have one question for this herd-immunity-building- herd of fad-followers: If you’re so sure this head-claw is going to protect your child, why would my normal-headed son be a threat?