Whales Believe the Patriarchy Should Save Itself
By Mary Vansuch
Feb. 20, 2014
Whales rallied throughout the ocean yesterday in protest against recent efforts on the part of ecologically sensitive sea mammals to “Save the Patriarchy.” Protesters wondered why the human patriarchy wasn’t “capable of saving itself” from whale-imposed global warming and world domination. Said one demonstrator, “The human patriarchy still rules, like, 30 percent of the earth or something. If they actually tried to have more power, they’d have it.”
Human-patriarchy-loving whale Madame Whaleness countered that “clearly, as water mammals, we don’t understand their struggles as members of the human patriarchy. We have too much privilege as whales, and we really ought to check it. Repeatedly. Seriously, never swim around without checking your privilege first. Including you, Ms. Reporter. You’re not part of the patriarchy. You can’t possibly comprehend their struggles. Don’t give me that land mammal gaze look of anti-patriarchal judgment, human woman!”
Whale protesters remain unconvinced by evidence demonstrating the human patriarchy’s inability to survive in the water, or the deep psychological damage of “the water mammal gaze.” One blog post by a member of the human patriarchal community reads, “Glazed whale puts a funny taste in my mouth. Japanese grocers really shouldn’t sell this stuff.” Madame Whaleness and her counterparts would like to note that “glazed whale” is obviously a typo of “whale gaze.”. Much of the human patriarchy has received inadequate instruction from second-rate academic institutions such as Northwestern University for generations, caught at the intersection of liberal arts and excessive air breathing. Protesters against the pro-human-patriarchy whales remain unsympathetic, stating that it is the humans’own responsibility toapply to better institutions “such as Hawaii Pacific University.” Despite the heated nature of the debate can be, both sides conceded that the Atlantic Whale gaze was an incurable problem, because everyone knows Atlantic Whales are all a bunch of racists.
