US, Nato Invade Dining Hall for Oil, Weapons of Mass Destruction

By Ayesha Wadhawan

April 25, 2013

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has declared “inevitable” an invasion of University of Chicago dining halls, naming them a “primary threat to American security.” Senior U.S. officials are citing allegedly toxic material discovered in Cathey Dining Hall last fall as strong indication of a “drive toward an arsenal of terror.”

“Those exploding toilets near suspected sites were no accident,” said President Obama at a speech in Cincinnati on Monday. “There is no doubt in my mind that all the evil in the whole world may be successfully eradicated by acting now, even if the Security Council seems to disagree. This region forms part of an axis of evil that may become a triangle, square, flexagon, or any number of menacing shapes if left unchallenged.” The US government has named its military venture “Operation Clean Silverware” as a reflection of its indestructible hope in this endeavor.

Critics, including a sizable proportion of the American public, argue that the invasion is motivated by a desire for vast oil resources that are currently only utilized only on fried rice and pizza for dining hall patrons. The UChicago dining hall system is known to contain some of the world’s largest oil reserves, and many wonder if this is the true motive behind the planned invasion. At present, these remain inaccessible to external agencies, including international conglomerates such as Exxon, BP, and Shell. Given the universal dependence on swiftly depleting oil resources, the dining halls’ reserves would be a game changer if they became available to the external market. According to anonymous sources, attempts at privatizing local reserves have already begun in some areas. American trucks have been spotted transporting food items away from sites in the region .

The invasion would come at a tumultuous time in the history of the dining hall system. Prospie season has proved demanding for the largely standing-in-line based economy, and the upcoming demolition of Pierce Tower is an added blow to an already unstable state. Recent changes in leadership, includiung the arrival of Chef Brent gave diners hope for improvement in domestic policy issues. However, experts say circumstances remain largely the same, despite a few legislative ventures (such as the “Chef’s Table” bill) that provide an element of hope to a troubled people.