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Oct. 9, 2016
In a move that has caught students, professors, and society by complete surprise, the University of Chicago Administration has announced an exciting series of publicity stunts.
“These publicity stunts will be as world class as the University of Chicago itself,” said Dean of Students Jay Ellison. “Why wouldn’t students not want more of a media focus on the school they attend? There’s no such thing as bad publicity for the University of Chicago.”
Dean Ellison pointed out that announcing publicity stunts was, in fact, its own publicity stunt, “a metaphysical rhetorical exercise only a University of Chicago student would be capable of, doing after completing the core.”
Student reactions to Dean Ellison’s statement varied. “I agree with Dean Ellison,” said first-year Maximillian Hazard. “We need money to pull off these publicity stunts, and if we’re in the papers, it must be good, right? Why would nefarious people ever try to donate and influence the administration for their agenda? Who would donate to a school that they know does problematic things? No one. This is awesome.”
Other students saw these publicity stunts as mere distractions. “The University’s under investigation and scrutiny on multiple fronts,” said fourth-year Megan Hamm. “I wish people could see how this is distracting from real, socially relevant issues on campus.”
Anticipating some negative pushback from students like Hamm, other administrative officials repeatedly and fervently denied that the publicity stunt had anything to do with a string of negative headlines regarding the administration.
“It has nothing to do with those investigations and headlines… wait, I mean, what investigations and headlines? Who said anything about those? I have to go to a meeting,” explained an anonymous high-ranking administrative source close to the Shady Dealer.
