UChicago Recalls Educations Distributed Over Three-Year Period

By Alex Dunlap

Nov. 16, 2014

The University of Chicago, in cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, is issuing a voluntary recall of over 25,000 college- and graduate-level educations provided between 2011 and 2013, regulators announced on Monday.

The recall follows a swell of reports of tragic accidents involving people who had attempted to apply their UChicago educations. The most recent incident involved a misremembered fact from BIOS 10130 Core Biology, causing the death of alumna Iris Strudelman (AB ‘12). Strudelman was led to believe that the Golgi apparatus in one of her lung cells would allow her to breath underwater by a typographical error on a PowerPoint slide. As a result, she drowned off the coast of Long Island last Tuesday. The date of Strudelman’s memorial service to be announced later this week.

Other mishaps resulting from defects in UChicago educations include thousands of pacemakers mis-programmed due to a confusing CMSC 27200 Theory of Algorithms assignment, a serious miscommunication at a high-level diplomatic conference as a result of a flawed final exam for LING 20301 Intro to Semantics and Pragmatics, and a problem in the distribution system for core humanities education leaving thousands of students with stupendously wrong ideas about their place in the world.

Any affected students, including all those who received a University education between 2011 and 2013, are urged to return to Hyde Park to receive a free repair or replacement to their educations.

In a statement issued last week, President Robert J. Zimmer expressed confidence that the problems that had been identified in UChicago educations were on their way to being resolved, and that current students were receiving only the highest-quality educations, suitable for all purposes following graduation.