UChicago Admissions Rate ‘0%’
By Jeremy Archer
April 25, 2013
Citing “new perspectives” in education and a desire to overtake Yale in national college rankings, the University Press Office announced today a new initiative entitled “Discard Undergraduates to Minimize Percentages” at a press conference outside Hutchinson Commons.
“There’s so much potential for a truly selective Chicago experience; one so selective, nobody can have it,” said Wren Gable, student director of Students Against The Overcrowding of Both The American Prison System and Maclean,” in a statement. Ms. Gable, a long-time proponent of what she calls the “Second Chicago Fire” approach to housing, has led the charge for what she calls “roommate space equality,” in which only four people share a Broadview single.
There has been increasing momentum in the last few years in favor of a sharp reduction in future enrollment. Though more traditional faculty scoff at the notion of a college without any students, University staff have come to understand the necessity of a “leaner” culture of learning.
“It’s understandable for people to be upset. I’m upset, and I’m not even sure what the problem is,” a reluctant University President Zimmer said in an interview earlier this week. “Ever since we converted Pierce into a diamond mine, we’ve had to do a lot of soul-searching about our core mission as an educational institution.”
Housing officials regularly cite the University’s “facilities problem” as one that requires significant effort to mitigate. Burton-Judson has been closed the past two months due to a massive “methamphetamine crater,” and a regular inspection of Stony Island found that it “has been missing since the Nineties.” This crunch has sent the University scrambling for alternatives to replace its options.
“On the one hand, it’s really a pleasure to cook for people with good taste in food and a willingness to try alternative cuisines,’ said Chief Chef Brent of University Dining. “On the other hand, we could beat Yale. I say, beat those fuckers. There’s no reason to settle for less.”
