UC Leaks

By Leaked Docs Reveal Budgetary Chaos and Ambitious Plans

Aug. 25, 2017

On August 8, a CSD reporter from the Dealer identified sSeventy– eight pages of internal uUniversity documents amidst a stack of papers at the stand of an enterprising fishmonger at Market Fisheries in the Park Manor neighborhood. The stand’s proprietor, despite having no use for the papers other than the wrapping of fish, insisted the papers were his nonetheless.

The fishmonger explained to our investigator that he couldn’t “just go scampering around here slamming [his] grubby paws down on anything shiny that caught his eye like some fucking raccoon. This ain’t freaking Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. If you want the papers so bad you can buy some fucking fish.”

In exchange for all the money on his person, he was able to obtain seven pages of the report, wrapped individually around the seven smallest rainbow trout available for purchase at $7.99/lb. These pages offer a glimpse into some of the most elaborate and ambitious projects the uUniversity has even undertaken.: