Trump Summons Backup Collection of Balding White Men from White House Storage Cabinet After Sessions Resignation

By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo

Nov. 7, 2018

Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a man described by friends as “the world’s least magical elf”, resigned earlier today in a move that marks the latest in a series of departures from the President’s cabinet.  In an official statement, the administration asserted that President Trump was already reviewing a list of potential replacements from his “Emergency Backup Old White Guys Collection”.

“Jeff has been an invaluable help these past two years.  From his contributions towards minority incarceration to his continued efforts in putting brown people behind bars, he has demonstrated his diligence in furthering this administration’s mission.  We are grateful to Jeff for his service, and we are even more grateful that his service has shown itself to be so easily replaceable.

The President has already drafted a list of potential nominees.  At this point we cannot yet release the names of the candidates — mostly because they’re too generic and we don’t remember them — but as soon as we figure out which five are John and which two are Michael, we’ll announce the list.”

Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders further elaborated on the nature of the selection process in today’s press briefing.  “We’ve kind of run out of suitable officials in Washington to recruit, and it’s tedious to look for new candidates every time someone leaves the White House, which is every other week.  We keep an entire storage cabinet of balding white men in the basement specifically for replacement purposes. The second Jeff went out of session, President Trump sent out a summons for the backup cabinet, and he’s been evaluating them since this afternoon.  The speed with which President Trump has handled the resignation is testament to his efficiency as a leader.”

Sanders admitted that the members of backup cabinet did not have clear political qualifications.  “We sort of just go out into D.C. and pull in random people from the sidewalks whenever we need to restock.  There aren’t any specific criteria — we just look for misguided white men with liver spots and receding hairlines who look over 60.  Sure, they might not have any legislative qualifications, but neither did Jeff, so what does it matter?”

Sources indicate that John Kelly, himself a former member of the backup cabinet, may advise President Trump to abandon the list of balding white men from storage and nominate acting Attorney General and bald white man Matthew Whitaker to the position permanently instead.  When reached for comment, Sessions replied with a subject-less email containing only a gif of the character Dobby from Harry Potter saying “Dobby is a free elf!”