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Feb. 6, 2017
Today, our planet sits onat the verge of global nuclear meltdown. The USSR has placed an unknown number of warheads on the island of Cuba, just miles from Southern Florida. If the USSR uses any of these missiles, US citizens would will have just minutes to scramble to a shelter before a fiery hellscape develops all around them. I know Americans across the country are tense, but come on, I can’t be the only who finds that tension kind of hot! ?Look, don’t get me wrong. I plan on negotiating with Cuba to ensure that the the missiles are removed as soon as possible. Because right now, we are in grave danger. Our lives cancould end at any moment. We couldan just explode. It really makes every hair on your body stand at end. Makes your jaw clench. Makes your dick go like half chub. No? Really? It’s just me?
At times like these, we have to think about our family. I’ve been thinking about my children, John Jr. and Caroline. And my sweet wife Jackie. I’ve been thinking a lot about Jackie. Like, what if she was strapped to one of the missiles? And Khrushchev was standing over her with the launch button in his hand? That would a total disaster but kind of hot… like Jackie’s just in a lil red suit and as a she leans back on the nuke, her hat falls off and she says, “Ohhhh, I feel so helpless here on this long, hard, destructive missile.” Now, that would be a real crisis! American citizens, trust me when I say I will defuse this situation. Just uhhhh give me like 10 minutes alone in the Oval Office, and I’ll totally come up with a plan! I promise.
