The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is CNN Itself

By CNN

March 1, 2015

For years, CNN has prided itself on keeping its valued viewers abreast of the latest and most serious threats to their well-being and property. Some have deemed our work “fear-mongering”; others have accused us of sensationalizing, for personal gain, events whose outcomes have little or no bearing on our viewers.

But when Ebola broke out in distant West Africa, we were the ones asking the tough questions. “Will Ebola reach America? How long until Ebola reaches America? How can Americans avoid getting Ebola? How quickly would Ebola destroy our government and way of life?”

When the Islamic State seized vast swaths of territory in Syria and Iraq, we were the ones who dared to ask: “Whose fault was this? How long until ISIS reaches America? What kind of risks might ISIS pose to your family and community, if they were to reach America? Has ISIS already reached America? Are they inside your house?”

When it comes to informing and educating our viewers, CNN is second only to NBC, CBS, The Daily Show, and Ariana Huffington’s Twitter feed. But when it comes to telling you what to fear and how hard to fear it, CNN is number one. That’s why the only thing we need to fear is CNN itself.

Why fear us? For starters, CNN is a business. Businesses are motivated by profits. Viewers drive profits, and nothing gets viewers glued to their screens like fear. We have scads of eye-grabbing technologies: foremost among them, interactive maps, holograms, and Anderson Cooper’s captivating eyes. CNN is at the cutting edge of making threats to you seem much more real and threatening.

We try to focus our reporting on the non-issues that frighten the public most. Tomorrow night, we’ll be doing a story on the threat posed by the virulent strain of anti-American super-herpes that could be contaminating your children’s toys.

We hope to get a quarter of a million viewers to tune in for that broadcast. And who knows what the results of our programming will turn out to be? An angry mob might burn down a toy factory.The government might pass draconian laws discriminating against people with cold sores. Otherwise-incompetent politicians might be able to get elected on an anti-herpes platform.

Visit our website and like us on Facebook for more information on why our network is a threat to public safety and your own livelihood.