The Next Final Frontier After Space is My Parent’s Attic

By Ryan Fleishman

Oct. 31, 2015

After nearly 60 years of exploration into the boundless annals of space, the world is ready to move on to the deeper mysteries of life, namely those in the corner of an attic in the suburbs of New York City. Scientists agree that the end of The Space Age is being closely followed by a period of exploration into my parent’s attic. This new era of curiosity and adventure is unearthing the secrets of the elusive parent’s attic, and consequently human nature.

While NASA and similar programs have by no means fully explored the endless vastness that is our universe, they have visited the moon and sent probes to various planets. The unanimous belief of astronauts and astrophysicists is that we have explored all that really matters in space. NASA administrator Charles Frank Bolden describes their achievements so far as “good enough,” and the other planets as “big ol’ rocks that all look the same.”

Now that the mystery of space ishas been closed, brave men are naturally gravitatedgravitating towards my parent’s attic. Features such as its complete lack of natural light and inexplicable number of resident small rodents spark the interest of great minds across the world. Furthermore, the amount of unpacked goods from the old house and vintage keepsakes stored in boxes in the attic defy all known laws of physics.

The road towards understanding my parent’s attic is fraught with danger, and many a man havehas already been lost exploring the modern-day labyrinth. One particularly gruesome case the is the conquistador Juan del Cerote, who was dismembered by the locals in a sacrifice towards their god. Additional problems result from the moths, who have literally consumed the fabric of reality to produce miniature black holes.

President Barack Obama recently gave a beautiful speech on the topic of exploring my parent’s attic, saying “We choose to go to Ryan’s parent’s attic in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills.”