The Chicago Shady Dealer endorses Slate Slate

By Editorial Board

April 23, 2013

The University of Chicago has a rocky road ahead. Recently, our school has been rocked by a number of scandals, and we can’t afford to remain sedimentary for long. Our current student government administration uses practices that are older than the fossils, and it’s time for a team that can kick some butte.

In these rocky times, a leader who refuses to talc about an igneous learning environment is simply leaving us to plateau.

Additionally, it is crystal clear that as each quartzer passes, our school’s stoner culture has become more detritusmental to the students. The current student government slate is afraid to rock the boat, and prevents our school from taking the steppes it needs to succeed.

We need a student government slate that will not gravel but will instead whet our apatite for learning while our minds are still as malleable as clay.

And thus, Shady Dealer writes a (ge)ode to Slate slate: the slate of slates.

In the absence of a candidate willing to take control, we nominate the boulder choice: a slate created entirely from slates.

The Slate slate’s two vice-presidential representatives met their first year in Blackstone House, while presidential candidate Mica Gneiss was a Stony Island House resident. Crystal Flintstone the vice-president for student affairs, is the daughter of the CEO of Stonyfield Yogurt. She has a mind for business and has a rich array of connections from which she can mine. Roxanne Pyrite was a bit of a controversial addition to the team, as she is considered by some to be a fool through and through—but we’re sure she’ll be as good as gold.

Shady Dealer believes the Slate slate can make your bedrock next year. The slate will expertly pave the road ahead and students will marble at its tough-as-diamonds exterior.

After the Slate slate’s landslide victory, the Dealer believes that the team will legislate with ease.

The Slate slate is slated to win, and if everyone gets out the vote this week, a proud University of Chicago student body will be able to chalk up a landslide victory for the Slate slate: the write-on candidate.