Tech Startup Donates Beards

By Becky Stoner

Nov. 9, 2013

“It’s like you took Locks of Love and No Shave November, mashed them together in a blender on ICE setting, and came up with the charity Alopecians always wanted and women were afraid to ask for.” So said dynamic student entrepreneur Kevin Klogowitz, who sat down with The Chicago Shady Dealer to discuss his new philanthropic endeavor, Fuzz.ly. Klogowitz, a dynamic, beanie-sporting third-year with a passion for body hair, was able to find inspiration for his charity in the most unexpected of places.

“I was sitting at my Seasonal Affective Disorder lamp one morning last December, eating a KIND bar, when my roommate – and now business partner – starts busting my chops. He wants me to clean up my beard hairs from around the sink, where I left them in my post-Movember shave. But I’m like, Konstaninos, you idiot, those beard hairs are for charity. I’m saving them for poor children who can’t grow beards, and pussy guys and shit like that.”

In true Phoenix spirit, Kevin rose from the ashes of this nasty squabble to create something magnificent. He carefully gathered his stray beard hairs, now gluey with leftover soap scum. He posted an ad on Craigslist offering a beard to anyone who was interested.

Within moments, he had more than a hundred responses.

“Can I have the beard for dinner with my parents on Friday?” one woman asked. Another wanted it for parent-teacher conferences at her child’s Catholic school.

“It’s really cool that all these women wanted my beard hairs to be present at these important moments in their lives, said Klogowitz. “I realized I had managed to create something really special, and I wanted that to be available to all women, children, alopecians, and pussy guys who can’t grow beards.”

Klogowitz is currently developing a partnership with Google and several other Silicon Valley tech firms, where facial hair is coming to be seen as an untapped philanthropic resource. He encourages any student whose interested in Fuzzly to contact him, or to send him their beard hairs enclosed in a manila envelope.

“Cuz we on our way up,” Klogowitz crowed, stroking his bald chin.

What’s Klogowitz’s next step in this fairytale story of entrepreneurship and altruism? His coming endeavor will use the remnants of his manscaping to create a line of merkins.

“I’m hoping to hit a lot of neglected populations with this new project,” K said. “Like women who’ve gotten bad bikini waxes.”