Swedish Teens Not Very Excited About Swedish Beatles

By Chris Deakin

Feb. 1, 2015

In what comes as surprising news for record executives and music critics alike, the young people of Sweden have not responded to the Swedish Beatles with the enthusiasm many industry insiders had predicted. While Beatle-mania has swept the US and the UK, the band’s Swedish counterpart “The Sweatles” has not encountered any such response in Sweden.

Launching their tour in Sweden two years after The Beatles gained worldwide acclaim, the Sweatles (pronounced “Swē-tuls”, like the word “beetles”) hoped to play directly to the hearts of Swedish youth with songs like “Swee Loves You” and “All You Swede is Love.” But Swatlantic Records, the Swedish division of American record company Atlantic Records, says they’re nowhere close to the market penetration or saturation levels reached by the Fab Four.

The band was originally named Blue Children, before Swatlantic management recommended a Sweden-centric change. Lead singer Bob Hitt and drummer Mary Greenley were also advised to change their names to Swann Lennon and Swingo Starr respectively. “I was told our music would probably just sit on the swelves if we didn’t switch, so I agreed,” said Swann. “We don’t see very big audiences, but our manager assures us we’re ‘doing swell.’”

“The Sweatles are not doing very swell, and we’re sweating it a little here at Swatlantic,” Sweatles manager Stuart Stockholm told the Dealer in confidence. “We expected swarms of teen girls, swooning every time they saw the band. But that has not happened. We’ve tried everything we can think of to sway the young Swedes. I really thought they’d be sweet on our band’s swing. I swear.”

Industry professionals everywhere are eager to understand the Swedish teens’ near complete apathy towards The Sweatles. Swatlantic Records has commissioned multiple teams of ethnomusicologists to complete studies on the listening patterns of Swedes from ages 12 to 21, their target demographic. The studies have returned with mixed results, but Swatlantic remains adamant: the Sweatles are a perfect sociological match for this particular Scandinavian nation.

The Dealer was unable to reach any Swedes, young or old, for comment.

“We suggested that our sound might not be clicking,” said Swingo of a recent meeting with the company. “That maybe we should swap in clogs for percussion, or the noise of fjords for guitars. The producers replied with a swift no, that we needed to maintain the Beatles pure and swimple sound.”

“We feel swindled,” moaned Stuart Stockholm, visibly worn-down. “We expected to sweep the charts, but I guess that ambition was swollen. We’ve thought about branching out into Norway, but that seems like a real long shot to us, considering this band’s key attributes. Maybe we’ll try Switzerland.”