Shake Day Moved to Medici

By Moustache McMannis

Feb. 20, 2018

Medici on 57th

Following the decision to move Shake Day out of Einstein Bagels and into Hutchinson Commons last quarter, the University’s administration has decided to move dollar shake sales to neighborhood hotspot Medici on 57th. Per an undisclosed agreement, Medici will continue to serve its usual shakes for the usual five dollars. When pressed about the price hike, members of the administration said that students were ignoring one improvement: that they could now buy shakes at The Med every day of the week. Additionally, the administration argued, “Five dollars are still technically dollars, making us comfortable continuing to call it ‘Dollar Shake Wednesday.'”

UCSA organizers struck back, arranging a sit-in around Levi Hall to prevent University leadership from entering until a compromise was reached. Unfortunately, President Zimmer’s private hovercraft has so far allowed him to bypass the protest. Asked about the organizer’s demands, the Administration declined to comment or release a statement.

In spite of the administration’s stonewalling, several students have taken it upon themselves to investigate the change. Second year Janet Serif-Brick told the dealer, “When I went to Hutch for my dollar shake, I was kidnapped by hooded figures who whisked me onto the 171, rode from 57th and University to 55th and Kimbark, walked me two blocks south and one block towards the lake, and dumped me on Medici’s doorstep.” Serif-Brick added, “Walking would have been way faster.”

Upon reaching Medici, Serif-Brick confirmed what many students have been crying about: Medici’s 5 dollar shakes were “good, but not worth the price or the trip over here.” First year contrarian Paul Zoplatsky, however, contends that this reflects a positive change to Hyde Park’s frozen dairy treat market: “Prices rising means higher quality, and everyone benefits from larger, better milkshakes available every day of the week”

At press time, the University has yet to clarify why milkshakes are the discount snack of choice for a college located in such a swampy-lakeside tundra as Hyde Park.