Second Year Wins IOP by Caressing David Alexrod’s Calf

By Alex Foster

Nov. 9, 2013

Vyom Khan, a second-year in the College, was declared winner of the Institute of Politics on Tuesday when he successfully caressed David Axelrod’scalf during that afternoon’s Fellows Seminar, “At War Over the World.”

In an exclusive interview with the Dealer following his victory, Kahn reflected, “It was a great contest out there, you know? Everyone wants to stand near David Axelrod. That’s why we all come out to the IOP. I just don’t let the competition faze me. I’ve gotta keep my eyes on the prize, and that’s what I did today. When the line of first-years trying to get Snapchat selfies with Axelrod in the background got blocked by the event organizers and had to sit down, I saw my opening, and I went for it.”

Kahn’s main competitor heading into Tuesday’s seminar was fellowCollege second-year Bobby “Celeb Hunter” Peterson. According to Peterson’s parents’ friends, “The Petersons never shut up about the big shots their kid is meeting at school. Yesterday, at brunch, they made us look at pictures of him with old, mustachioed white people for fifteen minutes!” Peterson is known among University faculty for his catchphrases: “I can’t believe I’m meeting you in real life!” and “How about a picture with tongues out?”

With less than a minute remaining before Axelrod was scheduled to take the stage Tuesday afternoon to introduce the program’s featured speakers, it seemed the event would go without definitive victory. Peterson approached Axelrod from the left aisle, while Kahn pushed through first-years from the right, but at least seven IOP administrators surrounded Axelrod at the front of the room. Fortune turned in Kahn’s favor, though, when Peterson – hoping to claim a picture of Axelrod to add to his collection rather than attempting a rush past the IOP staff in order to stand directly next to hiim – took out his iPhone. Unaware that his camera was in “selfie” orientation, Peterson hastily clicked the “photo capture” button, firing the camera’s flash into his eyes and stun him.

“When I saw Bobby Peterson go down, I knew this was my shot,” said Kahn. Witnesses say they saw Kahn drop kick his pen toward Axelrod’s feet, perfectly clearing the legs of the other IOP admins. Kahn then crawled on his hands and knees between the IOP admins to “retrieve his pen,” and when he got there, caressed Axelrod’s leg.

Axelrod looked down and immediately declared Kahn winner of the IOP, cancelling the rest of the seminar and all future IOP events . The IOP released a statement congratulating Kahn and praising all the competitors who participated.

Asked about his latest plans , Kahn said, “The way I see it, the height of my career is still ahead of me. Who knows what’ll happen? Maybe in ten years I’ll use a urinal next to Nic Cage.”