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Nov. 1, 2016
Russian Cyber-Intelligence Retaliation Reveals 4 of 11 Secret Herbs & SpicesWASHINGTON, D.C.— Following the virtual attack which leaked politically sensitive information from the Democratic National Committee in October, a second major cyber-security breach was detected earlier this week., Rreportedly, the attack targeteding multiple critical FBI databases and publisheding, along with over two thousand federal employees’ social security numbers and several dozen redacted pages from the Warren Commission, at least four of the eleven secret herbs and spices found in KFC’s famous Original Recipe Chicken. The Department of Homeland Security held a press hearing on the matter on Wednesday, during which Secretary Jeh Johnson headed took the podium to provide the official investigative account of the events, and to reaffirm the Department’s confidence that the breach in security was the responsibility of Russian intelligence agencies acting remotely through third party connections. Reiterating the government’s speculation that the recent spate of cyber-invasions areis likely part of an effort by high-ranking Russian officials to interfere with the ongoing presidential election, Secretary Johnson referred to the attacks as “a shocking and unwarranted escalation of social and political subterfuge,” before moving on to outline the virtual and physical strategic defense measurements that the federal government is prepared to take to “secure and protect the safety and anonymity of this nation’s herbs and spices, as well as its citizens.” Meanwhile, the Kentucky Fried Chicken Corporation— which has had a tense and bristling relationship with both Russian and U.S. intelligence agencies dating back to the mid-1950’s— has had to scramble this week to assess the fiscal damages from this revelation and mitigate the torrential media backlash from thousands of newly disillusioned chicken consumers. Releasing a statement to news correspondents on Friday, the KFC Legal team clarified that only two notarized copies of the full recipe have ever existed, one being held in a locked vault at the company headquarters in Louisville., Tand the other is kept in “Harland Sanders’ cold, dead hands.”
The company’s legal team now claims any unauthorized knowledge of its chicken’s ingredients to be a result of illegal spice-tapping, announcing plans this afternoon to file a civil lawsuit against the FBI on four counts of Unlawful Surveillance and Storage of an Original Recipe.
