Rogue Stressbuster Won’t Stop Giving Backrubs

By Becky Stoner

Feb. 22, 2014

“At Stressbusters, we’re all about the Wind-down Wednesdays. But this kid? He’s aggressively expanded into Tranquility Tuesdays, Moderation Mondays, Stressbuster Sundays, Stressbuster Saturdays, Feet-Up Fridays, and of course, Throwback Thursdays.”

So goes a current Stressbuster’s description of one of his cohort, gone rogue. This Stressbuster spoke on condition of anonymity, but had the courage to name his out-of control colleague: Brendan Mathers.

“The last time I brought up this issue with [rogue Stressbuster] Brendan,” The Dealer’s source said, he gave me a massage with expired ylang-ylang oil. Do you know how bad that smells? Man, I have a girlfriend.”

And this anonymous Stressbuster isn’t the only one frightened by the strength, vigor and smelliness of Brendan’s massages.

“He just came up to me in Mansueto and started working his thumbs in circles around my shoulders and neck. At first I was really into it, not having had an human contact for the 16 hours I had been in the Reg. In fact, I let out a small moan. But the shocked and horrified looks of my fellow Mansueto patrons let me know that something terribly wrong was going on here,” said third-year Katie Hutchins.

Other students report feeling hands on their scalps, shoulders and lumbar spines in places as diverse as Grounds of Being, Cobb Coffee Shop, and the women’s locker room in Ratner.

At press time, rogue Stressbuster Brendan is working on developing a mobile app called Extinguisher, which will allow busy students to be easily matched with masseuses on the go. In addition, he is petitioning to have “Mindfulness Meditation” replace the HUM and SOSC core sequences.

“Don’t we want students to be educated in something they’ll really use?” remarked Brendan on the proposed curricular changes while waving burning lemongrass over our correspondent’s head.

But many of his fellow Stressbusters are convinced that Brendan’s big ideas will never see the light of day.

“A mobile massage app? Come on, it’s not like students are that stressed here,” first-year Stressbuster Matthew Goldman said skeptically.

Instead, what worries them most is the possibility that Brendan might violate the sacred Stressbusters vow of chastity.

“While Brendan’s actions are certainly overreaching their bounds, things can still turn around for him. I worry, however, that things will take a turn for the worse, since he’s already proved his recklessness in regard to the Stressbusters code of conduct. At Stressbusters, we believe that the only acceptable forms of stress management are oils, tantric meditation, braless exercise, yoga, and kinky knitting. No sexual relations should be sustained with the students we serve. I hope Brendan never forgets the sacred Stressbuster motto: Hands above panty line? That’s fine. Hands below sacrum? That’s not undertaken.”