Robots in Mansueto Actually Adjunct Professors with Head Claws
By Clay Olsen
Jan. 3, 2013
In a development entirely consistent with the University of Chicago’s commitment to the “Life of the Head”, the book retrieval robots in Mansueto have been revealed, by a months-long Shady Dealer Investigation, as adjunct professors with gargantuan claws welded to their foreheads. The plan to replace the robots with adjuncts was first proposed by Milton Friedman (M.A. 33), currently a member of the University’s Undead Economics department. “I can still remember when he first suggested only pretending to use robots,” one anonymous professor said. ”The dirt was still on his funeral suit from when he’d dug himself out of his own grave. By Smith, it was so beautiful I cried. Or I would have, had I not discarded my tear ducts to more efficiently complete my post-doc.”
The adjunct professors were selected from universities around the country, and offered employment at the University with the promise of a potential tenure-track position sometime in the future. Upon their arrival on campus, they were instead taken to the then under-construction Joe and Rika Mansueto Library, drugged, and locked in Mansueto’s underground book storage complex. At that point, the adjuncts were strapped into pods and outfitted with smaller versions of Mansueto’s famous book retrieval claws – previously thought to have been controlled by robots. For months, as the Mansueto library was built above their heads, the adjunct professors were strapped to gurneys and forced to use their head claws to perform all day-to-day tasks in the pods, including eating, drinking, dressing, and ass-wiping.
Our investigations concluded that as the library’s opening day drew nearer, the adjuncts were outfitted with larger claws meant for book retrieval, rather than living assistance. They were also moved from metal gurneys to pods containing feeding and waste disposal tubes. “We planned to move the pod-workers into the larger sustenance units only once the library was constructed,” one administrator said under promise of secrecy. ”But we underestimated the amount of media attention Mansueto would receive. Thank Smith we hired somebody to do that shitty artists rendering, otherwise we might have had to show them the professors while they were training.”
To date, no problems have been reported at the book retrieval complex. However, some faculty members have criticized both the project and Friedman’s continued unilateral control over it. ”Just because Milton made a deal with the dark gods of the underworld to come back from the dead as a member of the Economics department, doesn’t mean he can control an underground network of pod-slaves until the end of time. I don’t see why the University’s political neutrality shouldn’t extend to the conflict between humanity and the sinister legions of Cthulhu.” Another faculty added, “Plus this is a human rights issue, I guess.”
As for now, our investigative unit will continue to probe the depths of Mansueto’s secrecy, even lacking popular interest in the matter.
Gary Becker could not be reached for comment.
