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Jan. 17, 2017
Seth Blattstein, a spokesman for SteptON, the world’s leading manufacturer of rat poison, has announced this Friday that, while he is aware that the main use of the corporation’s product is as a relatively cheap adulterant to cocaine, the product has a number of other nifty uses which the company wishes to promote. Blattstein stated that SteptON was “a wonderful gift idea for those friends and family members you secretly want to murder“ and went onto to promoteheralded the release of The Rodenticide Cookbook, which he calledwill be “chock– full of to-die-for little recipes” and “an essential addition to any DIY serial killer’s home library.” Blattstein went on to state that SteptON can also be used to fill sandboxes at the nation’s playgrounds and day care centers, as an all-natural pool maintenance substitute to chlorine, and as a lawn-care strategy for “nontraditional suburban homeowners.,” according to Blattstein.
In keeping with its more common usage to cut cocaine, Blattstein also maintained that the unknowing consumers of the product could simply remove the middleman and the slog of having to ingest a highly– enjoyable stimulant drug and simply snort, shoot, or otherwise ingest SteptON’s product straight. “Unlike a lifetime of cocaine abuse“, Blattstein stated, “this smart time-saving strategy is a “speedy and cost-effective alternative suicide method” for the 21st century’s savvy modern consumer.
Of course, for those wanting a more retro experience, rat poison can be used for its intended purpose of actually killing rodents. However, even this folksy down-home use of SteptON’s product can take a fun modern twist. Rather than setting up the rat poison in conventional traps and waiting for the vermin to merely wander in and die, set up non-lethal traps first. Once two lucky rats have been caught, call up your friends, the fun has begun! Simply dump the writhing but still– living small mammals into a cage filled with SteptON’s rat poison, wait for them to ingest it, and take bets on which poor bastard will die first.
“Whether it’s for lawn care, manslaughter, cutting illegal drugs or even just good old rat murdermurdering rodents, we’re confident that SteptON is more than able to meet the needs of today’s sophisticated consumers” concluded Blattstein. “Swing by your local supermarket or cocaine dispensary and pick up some SteptON today. No home should be without it!”t press time, Mr. Blattstein was standing trial on multiple counts of manslaughter
However, dDespite suchtheir attempts at diversification, SteptON executives seek to protect their core market. Therefore, the corporation remains the second– largest funder of lobbying groups devoted to keeping hard drugs illegal, behind only the Sinaloa Cartel. Company analysts have estimated that legalization of the white stuff would lead to a whopping 80% decrease in sales, as a regulated cocaine trade would result in an end to the use of toxic adulterants such as SteptON. {But here the author digresses from a lame attempt at comedy into a barely-concealed political tirade. e … }
