Pucker Up, Jeb

By Nik Varley

Nov. 13, 2015

Jeb Bush recently said that he would give any democrat who cut spending by ten dollars a warm kiss. You’d better pucker up, Jeb, because I’m going to cut spending, then I’m going to collect. And I’m going to collect big.

I never thought that this day would come. I remember getting into politics as a young man, dreaming about a smooch from a leading republican candidate. As I’ve aged, I’ve learned that some dreams aren’t always realized, sometimes I can have a successful political career, but my greatest desire, a toe curling kiss from Jeb Bush, may never be fulfilled. But when I heard you in the debate, I knew that my dream was within my grasp.

I could take that money out of anywhere, Jeb; social security, military spending, farm subsidies, I’d get rid of all that stuff in exchange for your sweet kiss. Welfare? Medicaid? Pensions for veterans? That stuff isn’t worth a damn compared to the feeling of your lips against mine. I would cut everything — I would get rid of this whole goddam abolish this whole goddamn governmentgovernment — in order to feel the warmth of your body against mine, locked in a tight embrace as our mouths and tongues probe each other in an ecstatic dance.

I’m not talking about any weak, middle school smooch either; I’m not making deep cuts into US education funding for a peck on the cheek. I’m talking about lip lock. I’m a talking a frenching. I’m talking a hardcore makeout session. I’m talking about a kiss so firm, gentle, warm and passionate that the very angels in heaven themselves weep at its sight. Get ready, Jeb, because that’s what’s coming at you.

BYou’d better pucker up, Jeb. I’m about to rock your world.