President Pardons Two Turduckens in Thanksgiving Ritual

By Matt Montequin

Nov. 13, 2012

President Robert Zimmer took to Midway Plaisance on Wednesday for the annual Presidential T?urducken Pardon, surprising onlookers when he chose to spare not one, but two turduckens from the Thanksgiving dinner plate.

The pair of turduckens — turkeys encasing ducks stuffed with chicken parts — appeared visibly incapacitated upon Zimmer’s act of benevolence. As guts of unspecified fowl leaked from their hastily-made abdominal incisions, Zimmer raised one turducken in each hand while those in attendance, mostly faculty and staff of the University, joined him in a ritual chant and incantation. In accordance with the tradition, he concluded by glaring at the turduckens for an extended period and finally bellowing, “You are hereby pardoned!” to the erupting cheers of those in the crowd.

On hand to aid Zimmer in the pardon were his wife, Classics professor Shadi Bartsch-Zimmer, and Dean of the College John Boyer. Boyer, a 12-year veteran of the event,observed from the event preparation that this year’s ceremony was destined to stand apart from showings of years past.

“There was a gleam in Bob’s eye that I had never seen before as he ripped innards off the bones of chickens, stuffed them into hollowed-out ducks, and inserted the duck-chicken conglomerations into severed turkeys,” Boyer recounted, wiping what appeared to be a bird spleen from his forehead.

Zimmer’s unprecedented deed was lauded by area animal-rights activists as a milestone for human-turkey-duck-chicken relations. Debbie Schroeder, field director for the Illinois Humane Society, attended with her children. “If you weren’t moved to tears of compassion for the spared turduckens, you’re a sick human being,” Schroeder commented. “Whether your family is enjoying turkey or tofurkey this Thanksgiving, we can all agree that this year’s Turducken Pardon was heartwarming for animal lovers across the Chicagoland region.”

Immediately following the pardon, all 74 of the remaining turduckens were slaughtered on the spot. The two who were spared died slow, painful deaths from their wounds shortly after.

Robert Zimmer has served as president since 2006.