Population of Canada composed solely of dissatisfied Americans

By James Ekstrom

Jan. 7, 2013

Anthropologists and political scientists the world over were shocked, this past week, to discover that the population of Canada consists solely of American expatriates. Overturning previous assumptions that the Canadian state was established by British and French colonists over the course of the 17th and 18th centuries, this new research indicates that Canada’s settlement actually began with the election of 1800.

According to researchers, this election marked the first time that Americans fearing the loss of their party made the threat to abandon the country and migrate to the unincorporated landmass to the nation’s north, should their candidate lose. When Federalist John Adams lost to Democratic-Republican Thomas Jefferson, large portions of the nation’s Federalists picked up their bags, said, ““Well, I guess we said we would”,” and founded the Commonwealth of Canada under British rule. While some argued that this seemed even more extreme than the new party, expatriates argued that anything would be better than “that secret Muslim.”

This groundbreaking discovery was made by University of Chicago anthropologist Herbert Thompson, who decided to pursue the line of inquiry after a serendipitous realization last winter. In his paper, Thompson explains that he was walking to work and grumbling about how unbearable the cold was, when it struck him that it must be even colder in Canada. He then wondered why anyone from Europe would choose to settle there, given 7,000 miles of land area from the northern border of the United States to the southern tip of South America that were notably warmer.

After actually visiting the country, a move not undertaken by anyone in academia in several decades, Thompson discovered that all 34 million residents of the country could name the election year that they or their ancestor had opted to flee the country. Additionally, the entire province of Quebec was founded by more extreme election deserters who felt that to fully distance themselves from their old country and its new leader, they should take up a new language and European parent country.

The sole exception to this new finding is a 50 year-old man named Pete, that one guy who wears shorts all winter long. Thompson found that Pete moved to Canada in 1982 just to show his wimpy friends that it really “wasn’’t as cold as everyone made it out to be.”