Pilgrims Discover Lollapalooza
By David North, 1620
Jan. 22, 2016
“I thought it was mist rising from the sea,”
The confused group of Puritans ventured into the layer of cannabis fog only to find critically-acclaimed band Sweaty Nipples performing their single Chickensnake. Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell first spotted the wondering crowd of Englishmen while warming up for his band’s following set.
“I didn’t really think anything of it,” said Farrell
The strangers quickly became adjusted to the culture surrounding the popular festival. Several festival goers claim to have seen one of the Pilgrims chasing a fan wearing a shirt depicting the band The Lizard Jesus.
“He looked completely freaking lit,”
A small sect of the estranged Brownists decided that they would start a colony in the middle of the festival grounds. Inspired by the music around them, they named the settlement Plymouth Rock. They began by disassembling the side stage where The Fray was performing. This caused a raucous outrage from band’s devoted audience. The
“I had been waiting all year to see OneRepublic,” said Jesse Baylor
“I can’t believe they ruined the Snow Patrol concert,” said Fred Rickert
“Who knew Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros were so violent