Pilgrims Discover Lollapalooza

By David North, 1620

Jan. 22, 2016

Earlier this week, a group of English separatists fled the hostile religious climate of Europe and happened upon the popular alternative rock music festival, Lollapalooza. The Calvinists were searching for a new frontier to observe their religious beliefs. They were shocked when they found a haze of smoke later identified as cannabis fumes.

“I thought it was mist rising from the sea,” commented saidDegory, the navigator aboard the ship carrying the foreigners., “It was this all-consuming mirage. After we first penetrated it, there was no turning back.”

The confused group of Puritans ventured into the layer of cannabis fog only to find critically-acclaimed band Sweaty Nipples performing their single Chickensnake. Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell first spotted the wondering crowd of Englishmen while warming up for his band’s following set.

“I didn’t really think anything of it,” said Farrell., “I just thought it was Mumford & Sons.”

The strangers quickly became adjusted to the culture surrounding the popular festival. Several festival goers claim to have seen one of the Pilgrims chasing a fan wearing a shirt depicting the band The Lizard Jesus.

“He looked completely freaking lit,” recalled passenger said Todd Barry while raising his Four Loko scepterer to his Slayer shirt., “He was chasing this guy around screaming ‘heresy’ and ‘infidel’ and we were cheering him on. It was so brutal. Blood for the eternal night realm! Mwahahahahaha!”

A small sect of the estranged Brownists decided that they would start a colony in the middle of the festival grounds. Inspired by the music around them, they named the settlement Plymouth Rock. They began by disassembling the side stage where The Fray was performing. This caused a raucous outrage from band’s devoted audience. The Shady Dealer nabbed interviews from all three of the fans.

“I had been waiting all year to see OneRepublic,” said Jesse Baylor.

“I can’t believe they ruined the Snow Patrol concert,” said Fred Rickert.

“Who knew Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros were so violent?,” askedsaid Chris Lee.