Physicists at Fermilab confirm that Fox News is neither journalism nor entertainment

By Christopher Walker

Dec. 31, 2014

After more than a decade of research, physicists at Fermilab have concluded that Fox News broadcasts are composed of neither journalism nor entertainment.

“The experiment began when we brought in an episode of Fox and Friends for a routine examination of journalistic and entertainment value. Most news programs in the observable universe have at least a modest amount of one of these characteristics. However, Fox News appears to have none of either,” said Dr. Leona Prost, head of Fermilab’s Accelerator Division.

“We first tested for entertainment, and where we expected to find at least trace amounts, test subjects only reported feeling frightened, or experiencing a bad taste in their mouth. The results of the journalistic tests were even more surprising,” she said.

Fox News programs emit unusually high amounts of anti-truth particles, which are destroyed when they come into contact with honesty or clear and reasoned thinking. These particles also have around a 35% chance at any given moment of generating a spin field, which obscures, rather than destroys truth particles, and makes them incapable of interacting with measuring instruments or the outside world.

“Our findings fundamentally challenge some of our current thinking on telemechanics. This project has been both exciting and terrifying for the whole team,” declared Prost.