None of Us Have Ever Had Sex

By Editorial Bored

April 23, 2015

Okay, you got us! There’s no use hiding it, so you might as well know. What gave it away? Was it that headline up there? Well, you guessed right – none of us have ever had sex.

Our collective virginity isn’t the result of our work as reporters, or of discriminatory hiring practices. None of us have ever had sex, sure, but for different reasons. Some of us won’t, some can’t, some shouldn’t, and the rest assume that it’s part of the culture – that they’d get laid off if they got off.

We want our readers to hold us to a standard of journalistic integrity. (Once again, we’d like to apologize for falsely remembering, and then reporting, that the entire editorial board was present at the Bay of Pigs invasion). In order to build trust and transparency, we’re openly admitting that this Shady Dealer For Her issue was written, edited, and probably printed by people who’ve never actually had sex. Take everything we say with a teaspoon of salt.

Mind you, this doesn’t mean we’re all complete dilettantes when it comes to the sexual arts. Though we are all inexperienced, we are inexperienced to varying degrees. Our writers may not have ever had sex, but they could still have drawn inspiration for their pieces from that nudie mag someone left in the bathroom.

At least we’ve all experienced sex second-hand, through chats with our sexual friends, online interviews with the sexually active, and bathroom graffiti. This is good: it means our reporting is unbiased and untainted. Our journalists are able to approach sex objectively—they’re not “in bed with sex,” so to speak.

All we ask is that you, our readers, judge us not for our naiveté, but our curiosité.