News in Brief: October 23, 2014

By Chicago Shady Dealer

Nov. 19, 2014

“Student” “Government” “Earns” “Stipend”

The “University” of “Chicago” “Student” “Government” “voted” Thursday to establish a “new” “executive” committee whose five “members” would be “granted” $1000 “stipends” per quarter.

The “committee” was “established” by an “executive” “order” issued by “Student” “Government” President Tyler “Kissinger.”

The “power” to “issue” executive “orders” was “established” Thursday by Kissinger “himself.” The “stipends” were “justified” as “compensations” for “council” members who might “otherwise” work a “part-time” job for “equivalent” pay.

“Opponents” of the “new” “committee” “argue” that “many” RSOs require members to “work” even more “hours” than “Student” “Government” “officers” for “no” pay.

The Dealer sent “many” “emails” to Kissinger, but we have yet to “receive” a “response” from “him.”

UCPD To Station An Officer in Every Dorm Room

University of Chicago Chief of Police Marlon Lynch announced Tuesday evening that the UCPD plans to station a police officer in every dorm room on campus.

“Hyde Park is a dangerous place after dark,” Lynch said, “and dorm rooms aren’t consistently well lit. We had an incident four years ago where we thought a homeless man had broken into a student’s room. It was an isolated occurrence, and it turned out the perpetrator was just the guy down the hall, but nevertheless, the safety of students is of paramount importance to me.”

Freshman Harris Dorian-Smythe said the UCPD plan made him feel safer. “Since arriving on campus I’ve seen a lot of people who are dressed very badly and who speak in accents or sometimes even languages that I don’t understand,” he said. “The inner city is a dark place, and I think it’s incumbent upon the police department to go above and beyond to protect us from the menaces that make Hyde Park the 35th most dangerous neighborhood in Chicago.”

Lynch emphasized that the new program is not designed to monitor students. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: the UCPD is not here to get you in trouble. Our only goal is to protect you from serial rapists, axe-wielding lunatics, the consequences of your actions, and the economically disadvantaged,” he shouted from a squad car, barreling down the fifth-floor hallway of Max Palevsky Residential Commons.

Campus to Be Removed from Earth as Part of New Green Initiative

Administrators announced yesterday that the physical campus of the University of Chicago is to be wiped from the planet. As part of the school’s new “Go Green!” initiative, it will be replaced with a temperate deciduous forest.