Natural Explorations with Nigel Pennington: Dragons

By Nigel Pennington

Feb. 4, 2013

Anno Domini 1161—Today, I’d like to talk about today’s hot animal-related topic: dragons. Everyone’s heard of them, nobody’s seen them, but everybody’s afraid of them. Well, there are a lot of myths surrounding dragons that I’d like to clear up.

Myth #1: Dragons don’t exist.

Fuck you, you piece of shit. If dragons didn’t exist, why would I be writing this column? Think about that. .

Myth #2: All dragons guard massive treasures of gold.

The idea behind this is that dragons are supposedly very skeptical of banks, and therefore put all of their assets into gold so as to attempt to hedge against the fluctuations of the international economy. Some older dragons still maintain a large supply of gold, but the younger dragons of the 12th century realize the foolishness of this, and prefer instead to put their money into long-term, high-yield savings bonds.

Myth #3: Dragons breathe fire.

This story is actually based on a misunderstanding of the eating habits of dragons. Dragons themselves don’t actually breathe fire. They are simply partial to eating fire goats, which cause horrible indigestion. The idea that dragons breathe fire probably stems from the fact that dragons get terrible gas after eating fire goats.

Myth #4: Dragons can fly.

Yes, this is actually true. Though FAA regulations require that dragons purchase two tickets if they are unable to close the arm-rest on either side of their seat.

Myth #5: Only a knight can slay a dragon.

A knight, or congenital heart failure.