Muslim Athiest Communist Fascist Runs for Student Council

By Mary Vansuch (1974)

Jan. 24, 2014

HONOLULU, HAWAII—A young atheist Muslim Communist Fascist is running for Honolulu Junior High Student Council. An anonymous eyewitness told The Dealer, “He wasn’t even born in America. How can he be expected to connect with us on the super important issues, like that we want tater tots and not French fries, or that recess needs to be longer? And don’t even get me started about his unpatriotic views on physical education.” Other equally anonymous eyewitnesses nodded in agreement.

Meanwhile, his opponent, young Johnny McCain, is “a full-blooded native since the Irish Potato Famine who is definitely not questioning his faith in mainstream Protestant Christianity or the dangers of the Gym Teacher Agenda for America’s Young Hearts and Minds” , according to non-anonymous eyewitnesses. Johnny McCain is running on the platform of free tater tots, mandatory two-hour recess, and the abolition of atheist Muslim Communist fascist doctrine from the Honolulu Public Schools curriculum. “It’s obvious what the atheist Muslim Communist fascist agenda has done to this school system. Running a mile every Monday? Gym shorts that cling tightly to your manparts? No tater tots except on Wednesdays? It’s unnatural, I tell you,” Johnny’s silky-smooth prepubescent voice explained to The Dealer.

The young atheist Muslim Communist fascist, whose name The Dealer feels would be sacrilegious to write in print, is unofficially running on the Satanist platform , also known by its slogan, “Make love, not war.”

Some believe that accusing a twelve-year-old atheist Muslim Communist fascist of wanting to promote Satanism using the highly coveted position of seventh-grade student council representative may not be entirely accurate, but due to of limited publishing space, we cannot address their concerns– please fax The Dealer if you wish to read their arguments.

Meanwhile, what we can tell you is that this heathen believes that physical education can be tolerated by the general population in small doses, that recess need only be mandated at one hour instead of two , and that the addition of waffle fries is a higher priority than the expansion of tater tots for the sake of “true equality”. He is also reportedly opposed to bullying, calling the United States’ national pastime “cruel” and “outdated.”

The student body knows better than to let this un-American atheist Muslim Communist fascist take that away from America. Nevertheless, The Dealer will refrain from telling you who to vote for to maintain journalistic integrity. You be the decider. Just don’t make the wrong choice.