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May 13, 2016
In a recent study published by multiple members of the University of Chicago Department of Statistics, recently murdered deceased statistics professor Angelino Drinkwater has been found uniformlynormally distributed.
“I can’t describe how well the phrase ‘uniformlynormally distributed’ describes this situation,” said Cook County Medical Examiner Simon Chen. He was a puddle.”
The Medical Examiner was unable to perform an autopsy given the highly dispersedpuddle-like nature of Drinkwater’s remains.
“It’s not even a body. Bodies are mostly solid solid and he was more of aa liquid, on the whole,” continued Chen. “We didn’t take him in a bodybag – we had to use vials.” think the vial I have right now has a piece of spleen.”
Chen then gave the Shady Dealer an exclusive preview of the 120 lab vials used to collect Drinkwater, one of which reportedly contained his uvula. In addition to the Medical Examiner’s report, the Statistics department embarked on one last data-based analysis
““The distribution had a mode of -17, and a median of 80.2,” read the report. “Most values of the distribution lie within one standard deviation of the spleen mean.”
The report went on to notice the odd shape of the distribution, which contained “significant outliers.” A simple random sample (SRS) of the distribution found that it consisted solely of Drinkwater, ensuring the validity of the data.
“The regression across the scatter plot showed that the distribution could be modeled by the equation y = 4x⁹ + 8x³ + (the sum of 0 to infinity of 1/x)” read the report. “This will serve us well for modeling future distributions.”
Though the regression and distribution were calculated expertly, the statistical analysis could not eliminate the possibility of the distribution occurring due to chance. An investigation is underway.
