Monsanto Launches New GM-O’s Breakfast Cereal

By Alex Hearn

Nov. 9, 2013

At this weekend’s Grain and Cereal Convention, the Monsanto Company unveiled “GM-O’s,” its flagship brand in a new line of genetically-modified breakfast cereals.

“We at Monsanto are very disappointed with the lukewarm response of established breakfast cereal brands to our revolutionary biotechnological advancements,” said Monica Chase, a Foodworks® representative for the multinational agribusiness. “It’s time for the consumer to really understand and enjoy the science in their cereal.” Consisting entirely of Round-Up Ready® Corn and Corn Syrup, GM-O’s are “golden, delicious flakes that are the perfect marriage of agriculture, business, and flavor.”

Monsanto plans to release GM-O’s with a full line of breakfast cereals, including “Wheat”ies, Transgenic Toast Crunch, and Frankenfruit Loops. The launch will also include Monsanto’s new mascot Bureaucrat Crunch, a high-ranking Dept. of Agriculture official whose commitment to responsible biotechnology is matched only by his commitment to kids having fun. “He also worked diligently at Monsanto for 15 years, so you can be sure he knows what he’s talking about,” said Chase.

After the official announcement, Monsanto welcomed to the stage Jenny Carlson, a member of a focus group for the new cereal. She remarked that the flakes had “a nice fishy flavor” and that the randomly-placed extraneous genes gave it “a real kick. I didn’t expect a single breakfast to be so abominably flavorful. The hair was a nice touch too.” .Monsanto promptly ushered her outside. Jenny was unavailable for further comment.

“It’s just good practice to have real people talk about your product, ” Chase said. “. It’s a shame most companies refuse to admit whether or not they even use the products we’ve worked so hard to produce.”

Asked whether the cereal boxes would bear any official markings indicating their GMO status, Chase activated a smoke bomb and fled the room, leaving “LAWSUIT PENDING” burned into the floor.