Max Palevsky to Donate Another Fifteen Dollars for New Dorm

By Patrick Sheehan

Nov. 2, 2018

Citing the success of his last “micro-donation,” Max Palevsky has decided to devote another fifteen dollars to open a new complex of dormitories at UChicago.

President Zimmer, fearful of overcrowding in student housing, is enthusiastic about Palevsky’s decision. “We’re currently housing kids by having Jim Nondorf point out the window. Whatever he points at, that’s where the student will be living for their first year. You name it, we’ve got kids there. We’ve got kids in bushes, we’ve got kids in Harper bathrooms, we’ve got kids in other kids. This sounds like it’ll be much better!”

Palevsky thinks the same. “Originally, I hadn’t planned for the fifteen dollars to be used for a dorm,” Palevsky told the Dealer. “I thought they’d give a freshman some pens or condoms or something. But instead, hundreds of them got to live in the elementary school from Kindergarten Cop. Economics sure is something.” It sure is.

The new dormitories, which are to be named Schmax Schmalevsky, will be made to the exact specifications used for the original Max P. dorms. Also like Max P., they will be made of Lego Bricks, scented with Axe Body Spray, and painted using melted Crayola crayons.

President Zimmer expects that mostly colorblind students will put the dorm as their first choice in the housing lottery, but is confident that there will be a lot of diversity within that group. “Students of all kinds are going to be living in Schmax,” said Zimmer, “from kids paying $40,000 a year, to kids paying $70,000 a year–they’ll all get to mix in this beautiful fifteen dollar structure.”