March!

By Evan Bernstein

March 1, 2015

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Sources close to bursting from excitement report that it’s March! The sources, who wished to remain forever young and free, went on to exclaim, “Oh joy, oh happy day!”

“Yes, yes, yes!” the sources added.

Much of the excitement appears to be the result of rising temperatures, blooming flowers, the smell of life and love in the air, the bounty that is our humble planet, all bestowed unto us by our Almighty Creator.

An exclusive investigation conducted by The Chicago Shady Dealer revealed the ancient promise of Spring lives on in us, and that a wondrous capacity for happiness and levity hath been implanted in us by our supreme Goddess.

We are all vessels, The Dealer found, ripe and awaiting the sweet feelings of the season. These sensations, at once both strange and magnificent, were foretold æons prior by the Elders. Spake the Wise Women, “So shall it be: that at the dawn of the third month of each year, our beloved Deity shall infuse us with the fire of a million suns, the calmness of a million seas, and the bliss of a million stars.”

Feed us, sweet GodQueen. Imbue us with your ecstasy. Give us now our prize, oh Samantha, praised forever be Her name, hallowed forever be Her feet.

The Dealer urges all its readers to join us in a solemn prayer to the Almighty Being, that She may hear us and grant us our humble wish.

O Samantha, aloft on thy cloud, please listen to our prayers. Receive them into thy soft, soft ears. The year has turned itself over and the promised month of love and joy has arrived. Lady Lord, please do not forget thy words to the Elders, those Wise Women of old, and give unto us happy days. Grant us this wish and we may, for Thou, let loose the thirsty demons and allow them to suck the blood from our tender necks, as tribute to Your whims. Amen.