Man Drinks Milk of Another Creature
By Willamina Groething
Feb. 1, 2015
5900 B.C.E.
Sources confirmed Monday that Craig Mueller of Dærie, Northern Albijnea, drank the milk of his cow Buttercup early last week. Local authorities were alerted to the incident after his neighbor, Esther Hart, filed a report, claiming she was concerned about the impact that seeing such an act between a man and a cow would have on her children. Officer Schmidt said his department could not respond, as they had no protocol for handling such a situation.
“The act of breastfeeding is a beautiful thing, but only in private between a human mother and her human child. To encourage, or even tolerate, Mr. Mueller’s actions at this point could lead to the complete abandonment of our developing code of morality, and I really don’t think Western Civilization could handle that in its early years,” said Mrs. Hart.
Mueller has received support from a limited section of the community, including local animal-byproducts advocate Heidi Stranz, who released a statement to the Shady Dealer on the event.
“Drinking the milk of another creature is vital in the development of human history. Beside the nutritional benefits of cows’ milk, the practice is crucial to the bonding of humans and animals, which is necessary for domestication. Udder is best. Or at least it will be in a few hundred more years, when our population’s genes have mutated to digest lactose.”
Mueller’s detractors so far have yet to be swayed. Many argue that his actions could lead to the widespread acceptance of public bovine nudity and eventually even bestiality if left unchecked.
“Nursing from another species has the potential to be very healthy, but only if we accept a theory of evolution that no one has even posited yet. Is that really worth giving up our growing sense of decency?” asked Gerhard Scheunzel, a prominent member of the Dærie community.
Even a few local heifers joined in the discussion. Trudy, of Jan Bruehard’s farm in Kremburg, said, “Moo says I am, or I should be, comfortable with my udder out in the moopen for everyone moo see? My milk is for my calves, not for moomans.”
Only time will tell whether Mueller and Buttercup’s actions will be accepted in the millennia to come.
