Main Quad Drainage on Par with Peer Institutions

By Zachary Augustine

May 6, 2013

Researchers at the new Institute for Data Sets recently finished their four-year study on the state of water drainage in high traffic areas at elite-level institutions. Colleges involved in the study can cost upwards of $63,000 a year and include Yale, Princeton, Columbia, Dartmouth, Cornell, The University of Pennsylvania , Brown, Stanford, and MIT, among other respectable, honest institutions.

The study found that the current level of drainage is both acceptable and non-intrusive. Correspondents at Yale indicate that they too can enter the dining hall without stepping into six inches of water. Cornell, a campus known for its Gothic architecture, reports no problems with loose, ankle-breaking cobble stones outside of its academic buildings. The University of Pennsylvania corroborates the study’s finding that six-foot moats “seldom to never” appear on major intersections outside of the student center. In addition, MIT reports that its engineers’ services have not been needed to keep its major throughways free of potholes.

The Shady Dealer met with campus officials to discuss the future of drainage on campus. “I am confident that reapplying fresh sod to 80% of the Quad’s surface area each and every year is more cost-effective and environmentally friendly than doing it right once. Budgets are tight these days,” Facilities Services Manager Thaddeus Root said over an Aramark-emblazoned coffee cup.

The University has responded to the study by designating the upper floors of International House as emergency housing in the event of flooding.