Likeness of Toast Found on Virgin Mary

By Jeremy Archer

Feb. 4, 2013

JERUSALEM (AP): Sources close to the Messiah report the peculiar outline of toast on the face of the Lady Marian, mother of Jesus Christ.

Machir, 34, a bookseller who lives across the street, reports hearing shouts from within the compound, shortly followed by a strange brown light emanating from one of the upper floors. Says Machir, “I had no idea what it was at the time. I assumed it was just another virgin birth or something, but… clearly, this is something different.”

One source high up in the Disciples of Jesus, requesting anonymity because he “is a little nervous about that whole son-of-god thing,” reports the toast is a symbol of pre-eminent doom, saying, “besides, Jesus took my thirty silver pieces and I really want them back.’The official report has still been quite vague. Christ, the Son of God, mentioned off-hand in an IBA interview that his mother was experiencing a “minor facial malfunction,” but stressed that this was not the product of a sign from the Almighty. In fact, he reported after his weeklyprayer meeting with God that he was “perplexed” by the change.

Roman officials have long considered the followers of Jesus a terrorist organization. Though they had no comment in regarding this incident, a leaked diplomatic cable suggests that the family has been under “toasty distress” several times in the past year.

It remains unknown what this toast signals for the future of this battered family.