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Aug. 21, 2016
Dear incoming first-years,
Welcome to the University of Chicago! We hope your journeys to Hyde Park were intellectually stimulating. You’ll need a clever anecdote to share with overly-friendly students in line. As you find yourself signing up for extracurricular activities, don’t forget— the March 15th deadline for transfer admissions really sneaks up on you! Here are a few things to help you on your way to successfully completing that common application well ahead of time.You’ll need to remember your college board password. We recommend writing it out on a post it note and taping it to your mirror. By night two of O-week, you’ll understand. You’ll need it later. As you attend your classes, daydream about what opportunities await you at other institutions. How will the sweet, sweet taste of grade inflation feel? What will it be like to be surrounded by peers of above-average attractiveness? These details will help you craft compelling essays for the application.
There are some important factors to keep in mind when choosing your second home. How’s the weather? Palo Alto’s is nice! What’s the party life like? I hear students at University of Florida know how to have a good time. How often is Wittgenstein mentioned in day-to-day conversation? Tufts University keeps it to a bare minimum.
As happy as we are to see you all in Hyde Park, we’ll be happier to see you leave. Don’t worry, you’ll be happier too.
Sincerely,
Dean “Just Payin’ the Bills” Nondorf
