Last UPS Delivery Man Gives in, Trades Shorts for Pants

By Willamina Groething

Dec. 31, 2015

One Chicago UPS truck delivered more than mail this past Tuesday: the surprise of the week was brought to residents’ front doors when local UPS delivery man Kevin Hughes, 34, arrived to knock on doors in Chicago’s Bridgeport neighborhood having traded his pleated, brown uniform shorts for long pants. In a brief interview Wednesday morning, Hughes told the Chicago Shady Dealer the reason for his late transition from shorts to slacks.

“Normally, I wait until we get below 0 or the snow gets high enough to touch my ankles or I count my 100th goose flying south or my wife makes me, whichever happens first, but with this El Niño thing going on, I didn’t know if it was gonna happen this year. So I figured this was late enough,” said Hughes. The low this season was 13℉ on November 22, and as most Chicago residents are acutely aware, there has yet to be major snowfall. The public records for Canadian goose migration directly over Bridgeport and Mrs. Hughes’s directions regarding her husband’s work attire are less reliable, but given this year’s higher-than-average temperatures, official sources consider it unlikely Hughes has overlooked either of the latter criteria.

“I was delivering Christmas cards in shorts. It just felt ridiculous,” Hughes added.

Still, some on Hughes’s route were surprised by the sudden change in their local postman’s wardrobe. Mrs. Marin Coulthurst of 2711 South Eleanor Street told the Dealer, “The kids have grown up with Kevin as the mailman. His shorts to pants policy is practically an institution. We don’t hold our Beginning-of-Winter Hot Cocoa Block Party each year until he makes the switch, so needless to say it was quite a surprise when Kevin delivered our mail in long pants on Tuesday when it was still in the 30’s.”

A neighbor who preferred not to give his name expressed his discomfort with Hughes’s break from tradition as well. “These days, it’s hard to find a real stand-up, knees-out guy sticking to what he believes. I really thought we had one here with Kevin, but it just goes to show you.” Indeed, correspondence with Hughes’s regular dry cleaners confirms he has never before varied the timing of his winter outfit transition in his 11 years as Bridgeport’s UPS delivery person.

Hughes gave his final remarks to the Dealer as he delivered a small package to the Vratczensky household on South Loomis Street.

“Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor the winds of change, nor a nation challenged, nor monotony of wardrobe, will stay me from the swift completion of my appointed rounds. That’s my personal motto. And hey, my calves are a little warmer now. Signature, please.”