Lanyard Fuses into First-Year’s Neck

By Chase Harrison

Oct. 17, 2017

He is hard to miss on the quad. Goofy smile. Gigantic backpack. And a maroon lanyard with an attached plastic ID case bouncing off of his chest. Ever since he arrived on campus for O-Week, Jeffery Bolt has embraced all that it means to be a first year on campus. That is… until it all went wrong.

Friends had warned him. “Jeff,” they would say. “You can keep your ID in your wallet. There’s really no need to wear the lanyard” Jeff disagreed. “The lanyard provides the most rapid way to access my ID. It’s a completely practical thing!”

However, his roommate, Jack Sullivan was unconvinced. “Jeff literally wears his lanyard to bed… and in the shower. It’s weird. I think it’s some kind of security blanket for him. Like to prove he goes here? Dude, we all go here. You’re not special anymore.”

Jeff replied to the Shady Dealer’s queries defensively “I like having it near me, ok?” He yelled. “Stop asking me so many questions about the lanyard. It stays on my neck and that’s all you really need to know. You’re the one obsessed with the lanyard. Not me!” Jeff fled from our reporter by boarding the North shuttle with a knowing smirk and pointing to his chest.

Perhaps most annoyed was his girlfriend, Thelma Chen. “He gets completely naked but still won’t take off the lanyard! And then, when we have sex, it always whacks into my face. Look, I know we’ve only been dating for two days but I think we should break up,” she declared.

While reportedly “heartbroken” from Thelma, Jeffery still refused to take off the lanyard, which at this point had turned from maroon to brown with dirt. Even worse, the skin around the lanyard began to surround the thinning rope. His RH insisted that he go to student health services. Jeffery made an appointment for the soonest date available.

Four weeks later, Jeffery had his appointment. Dr. Sarit Dorr was flabbergasted: “Your body has enveloped a foreign object. We are going to have to operate immediately.” Jeffery refused. “I’d rather DIE than take it off.”

He was buried in his lanyard. RIP Jeffery Bolt April 4, 1998- November 10, 2017