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Jan. 17, 2017
Although I have nothing but admiration for my Paleolithic forebears, I have no desire to share in their ways. Rising early to hunt mammoths, fight cave bears, and perform other needless exertions is a thing that I firmly believe should be confined to History Channel reruns. Those who arise early on January mornings in futile pursuit of megafauna should return to their bunks and wait for the doomsday clock to run out. You see, humanityour species has evolved greatly in the time since Ice Age. In the current Collision Course epoch, we are a more refined species. No longer do we do we worship the sun, for it is boring. Our scientists have determined that it rises each day regardless of how many rise to greet it and request success in the pursuit of megafauna. Reasonable folk these days worship more productive deities like Ku’Ruh, the lizard god, may his malevolence fall upon us. So, my friends, I leave you with a call to action. Let us band together and boycott these maladaptive behaviors so bizarrely exhibited by our fellows. Those who needlessly venture into the howling darkness with regularity, for the sole purpose of obtaining a new adornment, must be stopped. Only then can humanity truly march toward the singularity and eventual demise of the universe.
