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April 25, 2017
Jeb(!) Bush Caught Tunneling into White HouseBy Thomas Noriega In the first major security scare of the Trump administration, Secret Service agents recently discovered a series of tunnels beneath the White House apparently, d dug by 2016 Presidential Candidate Jeb(!) Bush. The Ssecret Sservice was alerted to the excavation by a member of the kitchen staff, who had been hearing pickaxes and blasting caps for an extended period of time. The staff member had also noticed trails of dirt left around the kitchen, usually accompanied by a few stolen foodstuffs. The service tracked one of these trails back to a cheese pantry with a newly-made hole where the floor used to be, and the ex-governor of Florida where the cheese used to be.
Jeb(!) was quickly detained, and a Ssecret Sservice detachment was sent to investigate the tunnels. After hours of painstaking crawling and charting, the full scope of the former candidate’s plan was revealedunderstood. Starting on November 8th, 2016, Jeb(!) began digging towards the nation’s capital from his home in Southern Florida, armed with a full complement of excavation gear and a year’s supply of PowerBbars.
According to the crudely drawn sketches) found on Jeb(!)’s person, his cunning plan seemed to be to dig beneath the White House, sneak into the Oval Office, hide the entire White House staff in a large cavern excavated under the national mall, and assume the full duties and responsibilities of the American Presidency as if he had been elected to the office. Future designs included feigning deafness when asked about President Trump or his sudden ascendancy to the highest office in the land, deflecting suspicion by imitating Trump when calling Melania or Barron Trump in New York, and tearfully begging for his family’s love.
Jeb(!) seemed to be in a state of delirium, and experts fear a psychotic break. Several small plastic turtles were found on his person, and the words “SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE“ were had been written on his clothing and skin using in varying methods ranging from Sharpie pen to battery acid. Jeb(!) was heard repeating the mantra as he was escorted from the premises.
When asked about the incident, President Trump commented “If I were trying to dig my way into the White House, I’d just excavate around the foundations, cause it to collapse in on itself, murder the President in the wreckage, and declare myself God-Emperor of America before rebuilding the White House out of solid gold and flamethrowers. I always said Jeb(!) was a bland, low-energy loser.”
