Investigative Report: The World of Insider Prospie Trading

By Dan Lastres

March 1, 2015

I met my contact in the dark alcove between Harper and Stuart. Vance was a well-dressed guy with an over-waxed mustache. I tried to shake his hand, but before I could ask him where we were going, I was blindfolded, and he shoved a chloroform-soaked rag in my face.

Vance sat with me until I came to, and then walked me through a small smoke-stained door into a large room resembling an underground stock exchange—only without computers or businessmen. Most of the people in the room were students, with a few adults in the mix. I figured somebody from admissions had to be involved. How else would they get the prospies?

After about 20 minutes’ milling around, a Dean of Admissions stepped into the middle of the room and proclaimed, “Remember, these prospies are admitted students for the Class of 2019. No matter how fun or boring they are, I believe they’re worth something. Now, let the business of the night begin!”

The room exploded into a flurry of activity. An econ major grabbed me by the shoulder and asked if I’d be interested in hosting a prospie. “His name is Topaz. He’s pretty outgoing and he’s from Denver, so it’s safe to assume he’ll bring weed.”

I didn’t get a chance to tell him I was just there to observe, as another gentleman swooped in with a counter-offer: “Candace! She goes to my old high school, and I know she’s super chill,” he said, scrolling through Candace’s Instagram selfies.

I tried to get away from the higher-value trading area and found myself in a far less occupied corner of the room, where I met a girl in a very expensive pantsuit. The prospies she was offering seemed to be of a lower quality.

“This one will be adamant about participating in your Sosc class. Clive here,” she said, pointing to a photo of a complete nerd, “He’ll alphabetize the Scrabble tiles in your house lounge.” I asked her why she would bother dealing in less-prized prospies. “Someone’s gotta take em, and so what if this Gilbert kid will only ask questions about the food? Some people are into that,” she explained.

It was fascinating seeing the market at work. Some in the University community may say this isn’t fair to the prospies, but now I see: this simply ensures that they’ll have a host who values them.