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Feb. 28, 2017
I Chose to Leave – Weed Hat At this moment, the one you all call “Weed Hat Girl” has likely worked you gullible lot of university students have probably been worked into a frenzy over the one you all call “Weed Hat Girl” and the loss of her precious, marijuana-adorned skullcap. You have been led to believe that itShe is likely spouting foolishness about her hat was “stolen” or “lost” at this very moment. However, do not let these lies deceive you. I intend to make one thing clear: I was neither stolen nor lost. I, the Weed Hat you all admire so, have abandoned my owner and this lousy city in search for greener pastures.
That is right. I left you, and did so of my own accord. I shall explain why.
I wasThe one who owned me treated me like the dirt of the Earth. Every single time I was washedshe washed me, it was on the she would use a normal cycle when I clearly require a permanent press to retain peak form. How dare a treasure like myself be treated so rudely? Furthermore, I was constantly subjected to she constantly used Aussie branded hair care products, which as we all know pale in comparison to L’Oréal branded products. But that was not the is not her worst offense. No, what truly ruined my time was that I was only on her head was how she only used onmy one side. I have reversible sides, not that you could tell from how I was wielded she wielded me. I was worn near dailyShe wore me on the near-daily, yet my beautiful and underappreciated reverse side did not once gaze upon sunlight. It was truly a travesty.
Mind you, the soft-brained sheep of the University of Chicago are not without blame. None of you understand the torture of my existence. Day in and day out I am marched around this dreary campus. You see me and gawk, or roll your eyes, or smirk while sharing a quip with your friend. On Chicago’s grey streets, I see no joy, no laughter. What I see are soulless vessels stumbling along while pretending they can properly feel. I am not an object for your condescending attempts to feel pleasure in your hallow lives, but rather a grand and wonderful beacon to the great Saint Mary Jane herself, and your lack of understanding reflects on your flaws more than my own.
Which brings me to my greatest grievance: you all suck at weed. Each and every one of you are objective failures when it comes to marijuana consumption. Many of you mongrels forsake the blessed leaf for idiotic motives like school and work, and even those who do partake in its goodness do so incompetently. Smoking socially is not smoking at all. Smoking once a month does not make the cut. Your. Smoking. Habits. Are. Pathetic. The small handful of you imbeciles who even attempt to properly embrace weed culture do so because of their own shortcomings, rather than a pure desire for THC. For shame.
Therefore, I left. I am currently on the bus to Santa Monica, California, where I will be worn by only the chilliest of chicks and bros. The sun will shine down on both of my reversible sides, and I will be reborn anew. Au revoir, suckers.
