Have You Voted Yet, You Fucking Ingrate?

By The IOP

Oct. 31, 2018

Hey you scum-sucking freedom-slut, I heard you hadn’t voted yet. Have you heard the news? This is AMERICA. People died and shit so you could take 5 minutes out of your day to bubble in some chud’s name and save the country from whomever you personally wanna blame for your shitty life. Good fucking lord if you don’t mark “Going” to the UChiVotes event this week, I will cast my ballot so far up your ass you’ll be puking up the Constitution.

We are trying so fucking hard right now. Do you think it’s easy to muster up a corps of 30-40 backstabbing little wannabe politicians to plaster every social media feed with pithy memes about voting? Do you think early voting events pay for themselves, or that all the little treats and stickers we sell just pop out of thin air and into your grubby little bipartisan hands? No! We didn’t spend the last 6 years surrounding real-ass politicians with real-ass jobs with mewling Political Science majors stricken by delusions of grandeur so you could walk out of our events and say, “Look at me, I’m a big dumb idiot who thinks a republican system of government functions independent of public input.”

So the next time some bloodless nerd who was born in a three piece suit tells you to stop juuling for literally one minute to participate in the American Experiment, how about you save your clever little shitty subtweet and walk your ass to Reynolds Club, huh? How about you do something other than fail a midterm or get wine-drunk at 3 p.m. on a Monday and act like the fucking enfranchised-ass adult you are? Ok? Because I can’t spend all day reminding you of basic civic responsibilities; it’s my turn to give Daddy Axelrod his daily bubble bath, and I can’t get a good lather going if I’ve gotta drag your stupid ass to the polls.