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Jan. 22, 2016
ATHENS, 146 BCE– Just this week students at the Lyceum in Athens began protesting Rome’s appropriation of Greek culture. Over CC students put down their scrolls of Euclid for the day to protest what they feel to be the largest social justice issue of their time. Several protesters held up picket scrolls, several of which saidread, “Toga parties AREN’Tare NOT funny.”
Paraponiáriki SkýlaLoukianos the Elder, leader of the student protests, marched on the house of the Rector Provinciae, shouting, “We, the Student’s Front of Athens (SFA), take great offense to the immoral and down right lazy appropriation of Greek religion on behalf of the Romans.” Mr. SkýlaLoukianos later expanded on his statement, saying the unjust and amateur nature of the misappropriation: “We created Zeus first. and simply switchingJust because you switched his name to Jupiter does not make these same depraved sexual escapades done in his name any less insultingmarring to our identity as Greeks.”
Another leading member of the SFA, Kolotripa MisosophiaAlcaeus of Thessalonika, continued the group’s gripes stating, “Caesar and his cronies are stealing our buildings while continually being prejudiced against our people. They all claim to want ‘authentic’ Greek architecture, but none of the infighting, political instability, and bureaucratic nightmares that come with being Greek. They are picking at our cultural identity so they can profit from Greek originality and labor. Think about it: Pantheon is pretty freaking close to Parthenon. No one is ever going to confuse those II in MM years.”
Several protesters praised the end of the Roman Republic as an end to the Roman usurpation of Greek popular government. “Greeks were always shamed for having government based on the people,” said Chálase KlafthmyrízonLysandra the Winsome, “even though we have been doing it for years. The Romans hijacking it without any repercussions was a complete societal injustice. We are glad they’ve decided to give it upit failed, but we still have several goals to meet before we end their systematic oppression. Well, not the literal political oppression, just the social one.”
Lastly, the group gave a list of demands to end the cycle of prejudice and violence that keeps the Romans on top by stealing Greek originality. Some of these including the immediate endhalt to all togas worn by non-Hellenic outside Hellenized regionspeople, a prohibition of olive oil for all Romans, and the installation of plaques on ionic columns acknowledging their debtcomplete end to marble columns outside of the Greek world.“
The SFA state they shall continue protesting until victorious, unless they find something more pointless to whine about in the mean time. When asked about the Roman Empire, one anonymous protester summed up the entire movement, responding, “It’s all Greek to me.“
