Gothic Girls Posted Outside Max P To Heighten Gothic Feel

By Mary Vansuch

Oct. 17, 2013

University of Chicago’s Student Health Services have announced a new job opportunity for those in its work-study program:“Goth Girl Stationed Outside Max Palevsky,” or “GGSOMPs” for short..

“It’s really simple,” first-year employee Tarja Turnunen explained, staring blankly into the distance, “I just stand here, be myself, blast progressive symphonic metal, and work on my pagan rituals – all while having my wages subsidized by the federal government. I don’t understand how the competition for this wicked opportunity wasn’t greater.”

A spokesman for University Student Health and Counseling Servicesindicated to the Dealer that the new position serves to ensure the presence of exactly one dangerously pale, angst-ridden youngster with an affinity for the gothic subculture outside Max Palevsky at all times . Student Health and Counseling Services observed stated many Max Palevsky residents were exhibiting symptoms of anxiety caused by living in a dormitory that was not both gothic-inspired, but instead resembled a Lego.

Recent research within the Universityhas shown that eighteen-year-old goth girls from privileged backgrounds are the most effective cure for this type of anxiety. SHCS reports that student morale already seems to be improving, with a 30% increase in Max Pavelsky students’ fondness for black corsets, black eyeshadow, and/or black olives following the introduction of the GGSOMP program.

Student Health and Counseling hopes to repeat the success in other non-gothic dormitories, most notably South Campus Resident Hall, where students exhibit more subtle signs of the same issues. Due to a limited budget, the University plans to paint the walls with melted Black Sabbath vinyl in lieu of hiring more gothic bodies. When questioned about whether or not other dorms with modern architecture, such as New Graduate Resident Hall, would receive similar treatment, Student Health and Counseling Services’ spokesman said, “Of course not. We are fully in line with university policy to avoid improving the lives of students in New Grad in the foreseeable future. ”